Painful realities: Honest conversation with my life!

Fatimah AlabdulJabbar / Flinders University, Adelaide, South Australia. | 30-Aug-2016
A transition journey took me as a senior RN, and a woman seeking continuous challenges and improvements, overseas to prepare for a Specialist Palliative Care Nurse role. This is due to the lack of opportunities in my country. My practicum project inspired by the famous novel "Alice in wonder land" (Lewis Carroll 1865) and 'the love of mystery'. The way it was done embraces the phrase "curiouser and curiouser" from this tale, which becomes popular in English lexicon, alluding to a journey of a complex mix of miracles and adversities, where only the 'divine rules' apply. My journey was not without its fair share of complexities and pain. Hence, I felt like "Alice in Wonderland" falling into a deep hole, facing my destiny. My experiences with people, books, emotions, and reactions sent me deeper into a 'personal-research mission', which prompted my creativity, leading to this humble poem. @abduljfs.
I said to life once - smile! You are my life. You are my memories, realities and my hopeful time. I am traveling your roads, while carrying my loads, building my dreams and drawing my screams. I lost in you my loved ones, remained bereaved and grieved, patient and holding tones. Though I am sailing my boat and reaching my goal with patience and prayer. Although the guard of my tears through the years, I found you hard! Fell and sadly cried, cried, cried...! Till I planted my smiles. Yes, I did! While crying! And it is really surprising!

Do you believe it?!!

I can read people and live how they feel. I know how much they cry despite their smiles. This is a painful gift, when you know more than a bit, but you do not know how to tell. Even though it is prime not to lie, I cannot make them cry. You know why? Kindness and empathy are my strongest resources, as an introvert, to heal their bruises. They are my solutions for this complex situation.

She held me and said:

I believe you but am really surprised! "You're entirely bonkers, but I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are" *. It's odd and strange; you lost your smile for a while! See me through the beautiful eyes to see my smiles. And taste my sweetness despite my bitterness. Remember me beautiful, not painful. Every single day is a chance! But do not forget (I meant to be hard)! It's not my fault though! Just for you to grow wise. (Understand me) and navigate your way out.

I replied with a kind smile:

Oh, my wise teacher! Although it's true, I'm not blue. Do not worry. With faith, I' am happy. I am the artist, wounded, healing soul; I can do it and Soar. Beautiful like a butterfly; powerfully quiet, flying in the sky. With patience and love of change, bravely escaping my cage.

You seem very pretty indeed! But rather very deceived. Those who love you will be sad, and surely mad. They will cry, shout why?! Finally, when they die. For them being forgetful and regretful for your love; denying and lie. Ignoring the 'divine inner sound', admiring your charming ground. You are an adventure to be lived; for us to learn and be blessed. You are like a camera! We need to focus, capture and develop or rather take another shot!

I will always be like a butterfly, till my soul flies; Kind and always smile. Seeking my God's heaven when I die. I will keep transiting, practicing and learning from my cries. I will surely watch my choices, for they control my lives.

Lastly, thanks for your lessons; they taste sweet like melons. But, dear, I am sorry; I cannot love you; you do not have a place in my heart. It's filled with God's love, grace and blessings; care, kindness, and presence, who is with me all the time. Please be glad; do not be sad.

* = (Lewis Carroll 1865).

Additional details about this writing.

I had multiple family losses and health issues during my transition journey; however, it was filled with miracles simultaneously. This is a creative reflective strategy that I used to summarize my honest feelings, emotions and the life lessons learned during my preparation transition journey to a new role as well as throughout my life. I hope to touch people in ways that enable them to think consciously and be courageous to look deep inward and learn from their experiences as well as mine, as this stimulates creativity and innovation. Moreover, to make them ponder about their lives, as this allows growth and healing to occur.

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